Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
