Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
