omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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