I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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