Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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