take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
