I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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