I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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