dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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