Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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