She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I am naked and annoyed.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
