i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
