allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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