I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
