My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
