If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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