If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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