Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
