And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
there is glitter all over my balls
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