I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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