what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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