You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
