I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
