New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
