Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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