Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
