hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
