I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
