More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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