He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
