Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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