Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
