Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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