so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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