I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
