woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
