genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
