Where are you?
In a non slutty way
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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