Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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