perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
