Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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