Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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