Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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