DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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