I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
