I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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