how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When did angry sex become our thing?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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