She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
