i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
