go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
